Starting Again

I've been trawling the internet looking for inspirational blogs and pages about weight loss. Everything I come across is about someone who's 'before' shots look like what I expect my 'after' shots would look like on a good day. I've been looking for someone who's gone from 'OMG - she's huge' to 'OMG - she's hot'. Nothing. Well, nothing that I've found inspirational at all. So I decided that I should just be my own inspiration and make my own page.

I am a 37 year old wife and mother of 2 boys and 1 girl. At this particular point in time I weigh in at a tidy 112kg. At my heaviest I weighed 127kg. The lowest I remember being over the last 10 years is 102kg, and that was 8 months ago.

I've been in a complete and total funk over my weight. I guess that goes without saying, you don't get this big without being in some sort of revolving door nightmare. When I jumped on the scales a week or so ago I was so disgusted, I don't know why, it's not like I went to bed thin and woke up like this, but I hadn't been on the scales in 8 months and although I knew I'd put on weight I hadn't realised just how much. In all honesty I don't know that I even have the desire to work at it anymore because I feel like I always fail so there is just no point in starting again. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this, how I'm going to see it through day after day, I just struggle to see myself overcoming the fat - but I know that I'll never be able to be at peace with my body this way either, so what choice do I have.

I had a 'moment' the other night. I was at the supermarket and there was a guy there that kept looking at me. All I could think about was how guys used to look at me because I was pretty, cute, hot, whatever, now they look at me because I'm gross and disgusting.

So, I just have to do it. I know I'm going to fuck it up a lot. Two steps forward three steps back sometimes, but I just have to keep on keeping on. It's Saturday night, and I'm going to start on Monday. I know what you're thinking, why don't you just start NOW. Well I want to give myself the weekend to really feel my body and how uncomfortable I am in it. I want to spend the weekend eating whatever I want and taking note of how it makes me feel rather than just shoveling it in. I've been so absent from my body for so long and before I embark on this project I want to just take a couple of days to really absorb exactly what it is that I want to change, because it's about so much more than appearance, it's about how I feel in my own skin.