Two Steps Forward...... Three Steps Back

It's a slow process. A very slow process. Especially when you've been in that black hole for so many years, but I'm still plodding along, kind of. I had surgery4 days ago to strip the varicose veins out of both of my legs, so I'm not allowed to drive for 2 weeks or train for 6 weeks and I'm not coping too well with being so immobile. Not because I don't do well with sitting around doing nothing, it's what I've done for most of my life, but because I was finally starting to make some progress on living the type of life I wanted and now I'm forced back into my old lifestyle, and I'm petrified that I'll like the familiarity and ease of it and won't climb back out.

Time will tell. Stay tuned I guess.....

Wednesday is the new Monday

So, did I start on Monday? No, I didn't. I did what I said I was going to do over the weekend, I felt everything about being overweight and uncomfortable and I hated it. Not an epiphany, I already knew I hated it, and as usual the more I thought about it the more depressed I became about it and the more I sunk into my fat hole. I put off starting on Monday, on Tuesday but on Wednesday I bit the bullet and started. I drove to the gym and sat outside in the car having a panic attack for a good 10 minutes. I finally went in and was relieved when they suggested I come back later to speak to a trainer. So I went home and then went back later (I would usually call and cancel instead of going back, so that was an achievement in itself). I had a brief meeting with the trainer, he wasn't my cup of tea and I don't think I'll continue training with him after my first session tomorrow (he didn't train me, just showed me around) but at this stage I don't think I need a trainer anyway.

I also started looking around for a part time job, but my husband works away at irregular intervals so it just doesn't work out yet, not until all the kids are in school. So with that in mind I have made a commitment to myself. I am embarking on this journey instead of taking a job. Which means that I am committing to it as I would a job. I am committing to minimum 5 days cardio per week and 3 days weights. I have a plan and I have a goal. I'm not sure that I'm ready to put my goal out here yet, it's a very far off goal, it may be completely absurd, but it gives me a clear image in my mind of what I'm working towards instead of just 'lose weight, get fit, be healthy, yadda, yadda' - those things are obviously excellent goals but I need something specific I think. Anyway, whatever works yeah?

I am now learning about 'Clean Eating'. I have a bit of an unnatural obsession with nutrition so I already know a lot about the subject, but I've always been a reader and not a doer, so now I'm working at being a doer! Today has been my first full day of being on track with my food, although it wasn't completely clean as I used salad dressing on my salad. I tend to become overly obsessed in an 'all or nothing' type way with food so I need to learn moderation and consistency. I tend to work myself up into a panic over food as I over think everything and then get completely overwhelmed. So I need to take it slow and steady, just start with real food and then branch out later. I don't need to be incorporating every 'Super Food' known to mankind every day.

Breathe! One step, one day at a time.

I haven't worked out yet how often I will weigh and measure. I'll just play it by ear for now.

Starting Again

I've been trawling the internet looking for inspirational blogs and pages about weight loss. Everything I come across is about someone who's 'before' shots look like what I expect my 'after' shots would look like on a good day. I've been looking for someone who's gone from 'OMG - she's huge' to 'OMG - she's hot'. Nothing. Well, nothing that I've found inspirational at all. So I decided that I should just be my own inspiration and make my own page.

I am a 37 year old wife and mother of 2 boys and 1 girl. At this particular point in time I weigh in at a tidy 112kg. At my heaviest I weighed 127kg. The lowest I remember being over the last 10 years is 102kg, and that was 8 months ago.

I've been in a complete and total funk over my weight. I guess that goes without saying, you don't get this big without being in some sort of revolving door nightmare. When I jumped on the scales a week or so ago I was so disgusted, I don't know why, it's not like I went to bed thin and woke up like this, but I hadn't been on the scales in 8 months and although I knew I'd put on weight I hadn't realised just how much. In all honesty I don't know that I even have the desire to work at it anymore because I feel like I always fail so there is just no point in starting again. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this, how I'm going to see it through day after day, I just struggle to see myself overcoming the fat - but I know that I'll never be able to be at peace with my body this way either, so what choice do I have.

I had a 'moment' the other night. I was at the supermarket and there was a guy there that kept looking at me. All I could think about was how guys used to look at me because I was pretty, cute, hot, whatever, now they look at me because I'm gross and disgusting.

So, I just have to do it. I know I'm going to fuck it up a lot. Two steps forward three steps back sometimes, but I just have to keep on keeping on. It's Saturday night, and I'm going to start on Monday. I know what you're thinking, why don't you just start NOW. Well I want to give myself the weekend to really feel my body and how uncomfortable I am in it. I want to spend the weekend eating whatever I want and taking note of how it makes me feel rather than just shoveling it in. I've been so absent from my body for so long and before I embark on this project I want to just take a couple of days to really absorb exactly what it is that I want to change, because it's about so much more than appearance, it's about how I feel in my own skin.